A Leader’s Loneliness Is Not a Problem to Be Solved
Not long ago, a business leader confided in me, almost apologetically:
“I feel alone. But I don’t really have the right to complain about it: it’s simply part of the job.”
Perhaps he expected me to reassure him. To remind him that he had an executive committee, business partners, peers and a family around him.
I did not.
Because we almost always treat a leader’s loneliness as a symptom. An abnormal situation that should be made to disappear through more conversations, a peer network, a peer-learning group or the support of a coach.
These spaces are valuable. They make it possible to step out of isolation, challenge one’s perceptions and avoid becoming trapped in one’s own thinking.
But they do not remove the loneliness inherent in the role.
After thirty-five years spent working with leaders and executive committees, I have come to believe that trying to make it disappear can sometimes prevent us from hearing what it reveals.
Isolation and the solitude of decision-making
Two realities are often confused.
First, there is isolation: a lack of connection, withdrawal into oneself, the inability to speak freely or the belief that no one can understand.
Isolation is dangerous. It narrows perspective, impairs judgment and can be deeply exhausting. It is essential to break it.
Then there is the solitude of decision-making.
That moment when, regardless of how many people are gathered around the table, the leader must make the final call and take responsibility for its consequences.
The collective can inform a decision. It can bring facts, open up new perspectives, express disagreement and develop possible scenarios.
But it cannot always carry responsibility on behalf of the person who leads.
This solitude does not necessarily indicate a dysfunction. It is also one of the structural dimensions of the role.
When the collective becomes a refuge
I have met leaders who were so determined not to feel alone that they ended up diluting their responsibility within the collective.
Everything had to be co-created, jointly decided and collectively owned.
The approach appeared participative and reassuring. It could even create the impression of particularly modern management.
But co-creation does not mean giving up the right to make the final call.
When it comes to making a genuinely difficult decision—abandoning a project, reorganizing an activity, parting ways with a team member or resisting a request from the board—the collective can no longer provide protection.
Everyone returns to their respective role, and the leader remains accountable for the final decision.
The solitude they tried to avoid does not disappear. It often returns when the stakes are highest, precisely when they have not prepared themselves to face it.
By constantly seeking buy-in, some leaders gradually lose the habit of standing behind an unpopular decision, owning a disagreement or staying the course despite uncertainty.
Leading does not mean making every decision alone.
But it does mean accepting that, at certain moments, responsibility cannot be entirely shared.
Learning to live with solitude
The challenge, then, is not simply to break a leader’s solitude. It is to learn how to live with it more fully.
Living with solitude means being able to think out loud without having to immediately defend a position.
It means having a space where doubt is not interpreted as weakness, where contradictions can be examined and where decisions can mature before they are announced.
It also means distinguishing between what comes from fear, fatigue, intuition, loyalty or responsibility.
A coach or sparring partner can provide precisely this kind of space.
Not to artificially fill the solitude or provide ready-made answers, but to enable the leader to work through their thoughts, challenge their blind spots and regain their freedom to decide.
The difference may seem subtle, but it profoundly changes the way one leads.
In one case, we seek not to be alone.
In the other, we learn to be alone without isolating ourselves.
Listening to what solitude reveals
The real question may therefore not be:
“How can I stop being alone ?”
But rather:
What is my solitude trying to tell me that noise, urgency or the expectations of the collective are preventing me from hearing ?
An anxiety I keep pushing away ?
A decision I keep postponing ?
A disagreement I do not dare to name ?
A direction that has become less clear ?
Most leaders lack neither the courage nor the clarity to answer these questions.
What they mainly lack is a space that is safe enough and challenging enough for them to ask themselves those questions.
Would you like to discuss your situation ?
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